One day I'll be okay. I just hope this is not as good as it gets. But who am I kidding? In the words of Jann Arden, "I've got money in my pocket. I like the colour of my hair. I've got a friend who loves me. I've got a house, I've got a car. I've got a good mother..." Oh Jann. If only you weren't such a closet you-know-what. 

Yesterday I went and unloaded my problems on the only person I've ever told everything to. And it occurred to me I've never asked anyone for help before. I told her about the fucking creep at work who's in the pre-stages of stalking me and we came up with a plan to combat his creepiness. I almost expected her to say "A creeper at work? In this day and age? Why don't you just tell him to fuck off?" Well it's not that simple when you're a student and when the creep is much, much higher up on the ladder than you are. Oh poor victim me right? Wrong. But it's just not that simple. And I told her about the kid who blew up on me yesterday and made me cry. At least I waited until I got back to my office to start crying. And again, what do I really expect? I work in a mental hospital with criminals. I don't know why it got to me. I've brushed off much worse before. I guess everything combined just got to me. And I told her about how I've finally decided to let go of my off-and-on-for-four-years boyfriend. Enough is enough. But that's what I say every time. And then I get sucked back in with his pity stories of loneliness and my own inability to be alone with myself. It's been two and a half weeks since I've seen him though and that's quite a record for me. Nothing will ever be harder but I can't go on in limbo forever, caught between knowing what I'm hearing is lies and wanting to believe it's the truth. Oh sigh. It's hard to know that you love someone and still say that's it. Weekends are the hardest for me. Expecially since I don't have any friends anymore. I just absolutely cannot stay in on weekends when we're broken up. It makes me feel like I'm literally going to blow up. It isn't true that I don't have any friends. I have a best friend who has been my best friend for ten years, and another friend who I can hang out with. But one has a family to take care of and the other would rather be with her loser boyfriend than anyone else, so that leaves me perpetually third-wheeling it. It's true that you never appreciate friends until they're no longer there. Everyone knows that but you can't really understand it until you've been there. 

Basically the shining light in my life right now is that me and my sister have floor tickets to the Backstreet Boys concert at the end of August. Oh Nick, you keep me hanging on like no other.

I feel so sad for all of the patients at the clinic where I'm doing my internship. It's a forensic clinic which means all of the patients have come into contact with the law at some point. Some have done less serious things but some have committed horrible crimes and ruined lives. Most are of a lower socio-economic bracket and some are homeless. Almost all of them have lost hope in anything remotely positive. It's amazing how each and every one of them has such complex and disabling problems- I suppose if they didn't have any such issues, they wouldn't be referred to a psychiatric clinic in the first place. I love going to work. I couldn't ask for a better placement. Everyone is so friendly and most days, I leave work feeling great and believing that I've made a difference somewhere, somehow. It's odd, but I've never left feeling depressed about the state of the patients- after all, the phrase "you can't take your work home with you" has been drilled into my head countless times. But today I somehow just feel awful for these people. What human being couldn't? So many of them have lost any semblance of dignity that they might once have possessed. Every day, I see countless inadequate sex offenders, wandering drug addicts, and people who are just simply a hopeless mess. We live in a world where there is everything wrong and no one does anything big enough to reach out so it just keeps getting worse. It does help to remember that these people are not the "typical" representation of society in general, and that there are people who live relatively problem-free. But what about those who don't? My heart breaks for them. I have no idea what it would be like to feel hungry and not know if I'd be able to eat soon. I don't  know what it's like to hear voices and have irrational fears or watch people look right through me as an invisible nothing. Or to be labeled as the scum of the earth for doing things that I don't even understand. There are just so many of them and no one to really help. 

Oh sigh. I swear I'm not this depressed all the time. But when I am feeling sad, I write in my journal. Hence how all of my entries are downers. 

Something even sadder is that I failed my driver's test today. You're allowed to get 75 points worth of deductions and i got NONE!!!!!!! But I turned right on a red light where it was prohibited. The fucker even said the sign prohibiting it had just gone up because there had been a couple accidents there. So doing that is an automatic fail even if you make no other mistakes. DAMNIT!! FUCK!! I was so mad. So basically I hate life. Juuuust kidding. I only limit my hate to my jaded driving instructor. But that's ok. He'll get his. winky wink.

Dancing Flower